They're still watching

So the last time I thought I'd have a crafty one, WoW's observation 'You love skunk' took me by surprise. I had snuck into the woods out by Shattrath very discreetly, sparked up and then there it was: evidence that Big Brother is always watching.

Not wanting to make the same mistake twice, I picked a new hiding place - this time in Northrend. I got my 'herbalism supplies' from a Tauren in a really remote part of the country. And just to make extra double sure, I even donned a disguise.

Tri-corn with skull & crossbones, low-cut peasant blouse plus sprayed-on britches? Totally inconspicuous. I should have been completely anonymous.

But no sooner did I settle in and my information feed let me know that, not only did it know what I was up to, but it even knew what variety that Tauren had sold me.

Nothing like stating the obvious. Next, it will be informing me that I love new boots, brewfest and choppers.

Gremlin

Someone really should not have fed this creature after midnight.

And a bottle of ...

While I do, like anyone, really get into the idea of shouting YaRRRrrrr and drinking rum with impunity, I must admit there was something about Pirate Day that was bothering me.

You see, whenever I think it will be a good idea to play pirate and have one of those savoury delight thingys or whatever they are, I'm disappointed. Because it doesn't just turn me into a pirate - it turns me into a human. Euuww. Chunky thighs, boring ears, meaty hands. Ugh. It's just awful. You know, I picture myself looking hot like Geena Davis in Cutthroat Island but instead I end up just looking like some Alliance loser in a pirate suit.

For that reason, I made a rather ambivalent journey from Northrend, where I was merrily killing captives, to Booty Bay, where the pirate festivities were waiting. But when I arrived, I saw something amazing - a dranei loping past, her knees bending backwards - dressed as a pirate! Could it be... that they were going to just give me a new outfit? And that I could still be my incredibly fine Belf Self? Just with a little sprinkling of yo ho ho?

Oh yes. It was true. Now, everyone loves a pirate. But everyone really loves a pirate when they look like this:

Hmm, do these pirate leggings make my butt look big?

Nope. Just hawt.

In fact, even my icon has turned all sleek. And Bitterdue's is.... ermm, yes. Hi Bitterdue.

So now I'm really enjoying Pirate Day. And to celebrate, I think I'll go kill Onyxia with the guild. Watch out, dragonbreath. Pirate hotties are coming to get you. YaRRrrr!

Watch out for those claws

A large but fairly easy kill. Crabcakes marinated in mana, anyone?

Fashion Police: Pahu Frosthoof

Pahu. Darling. Now I know that your supplies might be limited - you do seem to have a backyard full of robotic gnomes and silithids. But you can order online from Karen Millen these days! There really is no reason you have to live this way.

Let's start from the bottom up - because then we can start on a positive note. I like your pedicure. Hooves are obviously not ideal, but you've used what you've got. You've got them buffed, silver and shiny. Looking good.

I don't hate the leafy hem. But with a statement hem like that, you would've needed to go subdued on the rest of the outfit. And you most definitely have not done that.

Firstly the skirt. Is that a skirt, actually? Because that looks like a quilt. As a textile, it's not really meant for apparel, is it? Furthermore, it appears to be coming up a little short. I feel like I am seeing something in between your 'skirt' and your belt... and I really don't want to bring this up but is that the top of your cow minge? Because no one wants to see that.

The belt is fine and actually I do quite like your waistcoat/corset thingy. It's a good colour on you, although you could probably with going a size or two up because it looks like it doesn't really quite close. If you were a sexy blood elf, you could get away with showing off some flesh, but, as a Tauress, you need to play to your strengths. Strengths like... emm..... you have very pretty eyes, Pahu.

Now what is with the bright yellow drag queen feather boa? Are you a transvestite about to do a Boy George medley? Or are you in a war? That garment is not suitable for healing or hanging out at the lodge - it is not even really fit for anything apart from a Oscars accessory for Bjork.

I almost don't want to talk about your hair. It's like you have a mullet that you plaited into a Pocahontas look. So you are, like, Redneck Pocahontas when she is on her way to a hen night that is taking place at a drag show but she couldn't find a skirt so she stole one off her baby's bed and paired it up with a size-too-small corset?

Pahu. *tut*

Spotted on top of a mushroom in Zangermarsh

Sometimes I do wonder what the designers at Blizzard have been smoking. 

Photo by: Bitterdue

My first raid

My first raid with PCG - Blackwing Lair! How exciting. It sounds so goth. 

So I had to make sure that I packed carefully. I donned my war helm so that I would look all serious about the raid. I have five bags and I thought I'd better make sure that their contents would give me the edge to make the event a successful one.

I made sure to stock plenty of low fat food - I like grilled fish for maximum energy without piling on the pounds. Of course I need mana but that seal whey is just going to go straight for my hips, so Morning Glory Dew it is. And naturally  I stocked up on all kinds of diet potions and elixirs. There is nothing glam about fainting on duty.

I had to bring some flat boots for practicality, but also I had to use a couple of slots for some high heels and some bling strappies - I mean what if I ran into one of my exes? Then of course I needed a cloak because I hearth to Borean Tundra, but when you're dancing with dragons you need to be able to peel off, so it was all about dressing in layers. There goes at least another two bags.

It goes without saying that I needed a whole bag for my little pet hatchling and all her accessories, you know, her cute collar that says 'sexy bird' all in diamantes, and her organic special reserve pumpkin seeds hand-farmed by pixies and her South American pan flute music - she likes to feel at home wherever we are.

There is so much to think about when you're raiding. I mean it's not just about how you dress people - if you're a warlock you need shards. I can't believe how much space they take up though! One slot each, I mean is it too much to ask to have stacks for these? I had to leave my hair tongs, tiger-striped tights, spare belts, neck scarves, travel foot spa and Grazia magazine ALL behind in the bank. It totally killed my buzz. I cleared out a whole backpack for those shards, and to make matters worse they are definitely in last season's pink, I mean what if I had been run over by an out-of-control herd of Shoveltusks - the paramedics would have found those in my bag and got completely the wrong idea about my sense of colour. Mortifying thought.

But I made the sacrifice for my guild. I'm a team player. There's no Bee in team. Remember that. 

While we were assembling the party I fashion-spotted this fellow Guildie and I have to say this is a fine example of What to Wear on any outing in Azeroth:

Virivanas. You fox! Purple and green! You are so bold. My god I am afraid of your amazing aloofness already. Those boots are so on-trend with the leggings tucked in. You're working the cloak and the Inspector Gadget chic on the hat. And you topped it all off with J.Lo hoop earrings! Work it in front of those dragons girlfriend. You are a fine example for any Blood Elf who wants to raid in style.

So the fighting. Oh yeah. I got through a lot of it without a hair out of place, thanks to the fine treatment of my guild. As a warlock with summoning powers I was a total VIP and they were all saying all the time, 'Don't let Bee die' and it was pretty much like being Madonna. Except in a dungeon. Oh wait but actually Madonna is probably in dungeons quite a lot. So actually - it was just like being Madonna.

We tanked. We spanked. I got lots of little goody bags. At one point there was a lull in the action and all the guys in my guild got out their little baby animal pets. It was so cuute!

I have to be honest, the decor in Blackwing Lair left a little  bit to be desired and it was quite musty and dark - these dragons do need to work on their ambience some. Even so, they fought well. But we fought harder. Right up until the end.

Mister big boss daddy dragon with the mondo halitosis problem had us all cowering behind a throne for safety. And I am not kidding, I'm SURE that I felt a Tauren groping my ass. So I moved to the side a bit just to get away from the bovine sex pest when WHAM, smacked down with firebreathing. Oops. We wiped. We changed tactics. We stayed out in the open. We died again. Turns out I would have been better with the creepy Tauren weirdo behind the throne. 

Before we could have a third go, I was hit with the awful realisation that I'd run out of shards. My guild were all like, bollocks, failsauce, oh no!  And I was all guys, I'm totally sorry. But really I hope they understand how I had to save room in my bags for my high heels and my pet bird's diamante necklace. I'm sure they get it. 

I've learned a lot. Not to leave the high heels behind, obviously. Just that next time, I'll make sure I have bigger bags.

Debbie Harry: Am I Belf?

'Dear Beelzebelle,

I'm in a band. I have the kind of coiff that, when other people wear it it just looks like bedhead, but on me it looks like what I like to call 'sex hair'. When my stylist comes round before a show, she's like Debbie, do you want the up-do or the curls or the sex hair, and I'm always like, the sex hair please. When I'm singing, I always look like I'm drifting off, thinking of Northrend. You know, or guitars. Or punk things that you really wouldn't understand.

If there was an Olympic Gold Medal for pouting, I would win it. Keira Knightley would get silver probably, which only goes to show just how big my margin of winning would be - she is like an adolescent boy and really I mean the girl has NELF written all over her. And I don't know who would get bronze but whoever she is I could kick her ass.

I believe that at age 64 it is still totally appropriate to wear hotpants. Sure, if you're Kylie, it's no big deal but I am wearing these babies and I am doing it for the sistas. I've never been able to rap, but I'm not above giving it a go, and basically I am so resplendent with coolness that nobody thinks to point it out.

I have cheekbones. I have logo T shirts. I will pose for photographs wearing those two things and little else.

As far as I know, all of the above makes me Belf, right?

Don't keep me hanging on the telephone,

Coeur_de_Verre'


Dear Coeur_de_Verre,

OMG you are so Belf. Debbie Harry, is that you?

Call me sometime.

luv,

Bee xx

Devotion to the Horde

'Dear Beelzebelle,  Do you like my tattoo? From HordeGirl79'

Dear HordeGirl79,

Yes I do like your tattoo. It makes it clear for all to see that you are a woman of substance, and it is set off very nicely by your rather elven coiffure.

But girlfriend - what is with those wooden earplug thingys? Honey they make you look like a troll. May I recommend Tiffany's?

luv

Beelzebelle xx

The A-list

As you can see, I made the most of my bank holiday by rocking out onstage at Shattrath's World's End pub with the band formerly known as Level 70 Tauren Chieftain. Isn't it terrible when an expansion renders your hard-deliberated band name obsolete?

They needed a little touch of female glamour in their set and I knew them from the old band studios down an alley in Orgrimmar, so they invited me to freshen up their show. I busted some moves, joined briefly by Haris Pilton, who was pulled offstage by security after demonstrating to all of Outland's papparazzi that she didn't believe in knickers. 

Some NPCs just have no class.