How to choose your gear

Every so often, someone will post two items in guild chat and ask which one is better for them. They'll get a mix of responses - you know, you're a warlock so that's great that the item has intelligence but the stamina's a waste, better to go for the one that has spell power too. That kind of thing. 

I must say, I'm disturbed to see that no one seems to take fashion into consideration at all. So I've put together a short list of criteria one should consider when choosing between more than one item of gear.

• Do my legs match my shoulders? It's all well and good going for the pauldrons with three gem slots, but if you're mixing your patterns, you're not going to impress the Blood Elf chicks, and let's face it - that's why we're all in this game.

• Have I thought about colour? Undead - you're pale, your eyes are deep set, so you want to go for the more earthy tones because those bright colours will only wash you out and make you look older and undeader than you are. Trolls - with the bluish tone of your skin, definitely avoid orange and purple - it's bad enough you guys think bones make acceptable jewellery, you don't need colour clashes on top of that. Tauren - black is slimming. Remember that. Orcs - if you can't be attractive, be interesting. Go for patterns, bold colours, eccentric styling. Blood elves - Azeroth is your catwalk, darlings. Be bold, be chic. Get the latest and don't be afraid to 'display helm'.

• Accessorise. Fill every slot with bling. Wear jewellery, trinkets, the lot. Dazzle everyone who inspects you. And when it comes to weaponry, if you have to sacrifice a small amount of damage rating to get that sexy looking staff with all the bits on, it's not the end of the world. And steer clear of that hideous staff that looks like a felhound on a skewer. Fur is murder people! Stella McCartney would not be impressed.

• Shop. Use that auction house. That's what it's there for! It's your boutique. Sell icky things like wolves teeth and fish that just stink up your pack and replace them with gleaming new purchases. It's never a waste to spend your gold on something that makes you feel fabulous. After all, if you feel fabulous, you'll fight fabulous. If you want that epic mount later on and you're hard up for cash, you can always do a spot of pole dancing in Thunder Bluff. Those poor cows haven't seen a woman in years! 

• 'It' pets. Anyone who's anyone has something cute and fluffy tucked into their handbag. Avoid disgusting pets like frogs or cockroaches - they will only make you look EMO. You want a kitten or a bunny, or even a little white bird. The papparazzi in Silvermoon will go nuts for you and your darling little sidekick. Strike a pose!

• Mounts. Don't give the wrong impression by turning up to a party in Shattrath on some silly mount like a dinosaur, or, heaven forbid, a chopper that makes you look like some kind of bearded, unwashed motorcycle hooligan. Horses, zhevras or a colourful hawkstrider - now those are the elegant choices. 

Follow these easy tips and you'll be poised to make monsters fear you, blood elf men want to be with you and orcs want to be you, wherever you travel.